SCRATCH
Then I talked to some end-of-life experts. Here’s what I found out.
Shaina Feinberg
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Shaina is a writer and filmmaker who interviewed her mother for this story. Julia is an illustrator.
Recently, I had the following conversation with my 82-year-old mother, Mary:
Me: Are you prepared to die?
My mom: Not really. But I am prepared with my paperwork.
You might be wondering why I was asking my mom about her end-of-life preparedness. Well, when my dad, Paul, died suddenly a few years ago, we were completely unprepared.
“Dad and I never talked about what he wanted for his funeral,” my mom said. “He was 74 when he died, and he was in pretty good shape.”
On top of everything she had to do when he died, like planning the funeral, there was also the stress of finances and paperwork. “We had a joint checking account, but it didn’t have a lot of money. Our other bank account had more money, but was only in his name. I had to get that sorted out, which took ages.”
The most helpful advice my mom got when my dad died? “My best friend, Fran, told me, ‘Get a lot of death certificates because you’re going to have to send them to people and sometimes they don’t want a Xerox, they want the real thing.’ I got 15 death certificates from the funeral parlor.”
Preparing to die is complicated. How’s that for an understatement? You have to consider the emotional, spiritual and financial aspects. We talked to three end-of-life experts who unpacked how to make this extensive undertaking slightly more manageable.
According to a survey by Ethos, fewer than half of Americans have discussed their end-of-life plans with loved ones. Yet having these conversations is important, said Sarah Chavez, executive director of the nonprofit the Order of the Good Death, which provides resources to learn about and plan for death.
“These talks can be awkward,” Ms. Chavez said, “but by planning and talking about these things, it’s such a gift for the family that’s left behind.”
While you’re thinking about what to do with your body, you’ll also want to consider what to do with your stuff. “At a baseline, everybody should have a couple documents that are in effect while you’re alive,” said Michael Pevney, an estate planning lawyer with a practice in California. (He also makes videos about estate planning on TikTok.)
No matter what you decide to do with your body or your stuff, you will need someone to carry out your requests.
If you’re unwilling to ask your loved ones about their death preparations, there are other ways to broach the subject. “The easiest way is to open the family photo album and start having conversations about the people in the pictures,” said Joél Simone Maldonado, a funeral director and death educator. “The conversation always turns to what people did or didn’t like about a funeral or grieving process.” Mrs. Maldonado suggests using those conversations as a springboard to ask questions about what people’s end-of-life hopes are. And take notes.
The only upside to being so unprepared for my dad’s death is that now my mom is super prepared. “I have several folders in a cabinet that have all the things you should do when I die,” she said. “I’ve listed you as power of attorney, so you can write a check for the funeral.* I’ve paid for my gravesite already. I’ll be next to Dad, under the same gravestone.”
*This would be if my mom was on her deathbed. Once she dies, the power of attorney becomes void. There are several ways to deal with paying for the funeral, one of which is to be a joint account holder on her bank account. Which I am.
When I asked my mom how she feels looking at the empty side of the gravestone, she said: “There’s my side. I have a place! Oh, and remember,” she added, “I’ve always wanted a mariachi band at my funeral.” Noted.
Produced by Rebecca Lieberman.